Feels like today the universe was talking to me through music. Not sure what it was trying to say, but it self like it all the same.
Three songs kept playing on the radio. Over multiple stations and at different times of the day.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRfuAukYTKg
I haven't heard this song in forever, and it played at least 3 times today for me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tmd-ClpJxA
This song has sorta been the anthem for me dealing with the divorce. It played at least 4 times today for me.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClU3fctbGls
This one was a recent find. It played at least 2 times today for me.
I dunno what all the universe is trying to say to me today. But the music has helped me.
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Showing posts with label divorce. Show all posts
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Self Reflection Sunday
Another week, another step away from what I was.
Be it a step forward or a step back I dunno yet. Spent the last 4 days working double shifts at work. Yeah, working retail and all, 4 hour shifts isn't terrible. But as a cashier, in a craft store and nearing peak season, it can he hectic as hell.
Holidays and the times leading up to it can bring the worst out in people. This week alone I had to deal with someone that was convinced that half of 99.99 was 45 bucks. Literally had me walk over with them to the sign they swore said it. Granted they were wrong and they saw the sign and the look on their face was priceless when they realized that they were being an ass. Most people are not apologetic when they do something like that. But that is what I deal with. A lot.
As for the front when it comes to the divorce, still waiting for it to be official. He's over in Austria/Germany like we had planned to do together. I unfollowed him on Facebook. I don't want to see the pictures of the places that we could have visited together. He can make those memories and remember he made them alone. Once the divorce is final, I'm removing him from facebook. I really don't want to deal with him anymore.
Working really hard to find a place to live that isn't my parents. I've only been here about 20 days now. I just can't stay here. I love my parents to death, but I can't live with them now since I have lived in my own home without them. I'm 31, and it is not socially acceptable for someone my age to live at home.
Be it a step forward or a step back I dunno yet. Spent the last 4 days working double shifts at work. Yeah, working retail and all, 4 hour shifts isn't terrible. But as a cashier, in a craft store and nearing peak season, it can he hectic as hell.
Holidays and the times leading up to it can bring the worst out in people. This week alone I had to deal with someone that was convinced that half of 99.99 was 45 bucks. Literally had me walk over with them to the sign they swore said it. Granted they were wrong and they saw the sign and the look on their face was priceless when they realized that they were being an ass. Most people are not apologetic when they do something like that. But that is what I deal with. A lot.
As for the front when it comes to the divorce, still waiting for it to be official. He's over in Austria/Germany like we had planned to do together. I unfollowed him on Facebook. I don't want to see the pictures of the places that we could have visited together. He can make those memories and remember he made them alone. Once the divorce is final, I'm removing him from facebook. I really don't want to deal with him anymore.
Working really hard to find a place to live that isn't my parents. I've only been here about 20 days now. I just can't stay here. I love my parents to death, but I can't live with them now since I have lived in my own home without them. I'm 31, and it is not socially acceptable for someone my age to live at home.
Tuesday, September 19, 2017
Life smacking you in the face.
Well it finally hit today, least for a little while.
Everything sort of crashed down on me today. It took everything in me to keep from breaking down and crying. I know I am better without him. But it still hurts. Today we would have been flying to Germany today. He is posting selfies on Facebook, friends are asking if I was going too. He keeps messaging me, saying if I need anything to shoot him a message. I don't want to need anything from him. Not after what he did.
I don't think anyone knows really outside of family, least the family here in the states. I can only imagine what his family in Germany will say.
Everything sort of crashed down on me today. It took everything in me to keep from breaking down and crying. I know I am better without him. But it still hurts. Today we would have been flying to Germany today. He is posting selfies on Facebook, friends are asking if I was going too. He keeps messaging me, saying if I need anything to shoot him a message. I don't want to need anything from him. Not after what he did.
I don't think anyone knows really outside of family, least the family here in the states. I can only imagine what his family in Germany will say.
Sunday, September 17, 2017
Self Reflection Sunday
A late night post tonight.
A lot has been going through my mind this week. The paperwork is signed now, and its just waiting the time now for the courts to recognize the divorce. I've stopped responding to his messages. He asked how me and the one pup I got to take with me are doing. She's fine. She's happy as can be, crop dusting my parents with smelly puppy farts all night. She knows she did it, and she has that puppy grin every time.
As for me, Its a mixed bag. I'm realizing how much I have stopped myself from doing, all because he didn't want to or thought it was stupid. And my eyes opening to that fact is letting me see just how open my world is now. Do I miss him? Yes and no. I miss having that someone to snuggle up to at night. I don't miss things like his father and the feeling of being behind his dad and sister.
I sometimes wonder if he misses me. The last time I really interacted with him face to face, he had another woman on speakerphone while he was making food for himself. I may have been replaced, least in his eyes. But I know there is no other woman like me out there.
I know he and my father work at the same place. My father's been there quite a long time, my ex husband, only 2-3 years or so. Call it Karma or just crazy timing. My dad told me they are about to lay off a LOT of people. And my ex's job is one of those people that their job is on the line. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. But at the same time I can't help but thing damn Karma's a bitch.
Just my thoughts for this week, things that have been on my mind.
A lot has been going through my mind this week. The paperwork is signed now, and its just waiting the time now for the courts to recognize the divorce. I've stopped responding to his messages. He asked how me and the one pup I got to take with me are doing. She's fine. She's happy as can be, crop dusting my parents with smelly puppy farts all night. She knows she did it, and she has that puppy grin every time.
As for me, Its a mixed bag. I'm realizing how much I have stopped myself from doing, all because he didn't want to or thought it was stupid. And my eyes opening to that fact is letting me see just how open my world is now. Do I miss him? Yes and no. I miss having that someone to snuggle up to at night. I don't miss things like his father and the feeling of being behind his dad and sister.
I sometimes wonder if he misses me. The last time I really interacted with him face to face, he had another woman on speakerphone while he was making food for himself. I may have been replaced, least in his eyes. But I know there is no other woman like me out there.
I know he and my father work at the same place. My father's been there quite a long time, my ex husband, only 2-3 years or so. Call it Karma or just crazy timing. My dad told me they are about to lay off a LOT of people. And my ex's job is one of those people that their job is on the line. I don't want anything bad to happen to him. But at the same time I can't help but thing damn Karma's a bitch.
Just my thoughts for this week, things that have been on my mind.
Thursday, September 14, 2017
Honest Thoughts
He made it Facebook official last night. He removed his marital status on his page. It hurts to know that the paperwork isn't even final and he is already posting trashy shit. Things like "Real Women make your dick hard not your life." and a long story about how a man gave everything he had to make others happy and not himself. This I can say. Marriage is give and take. And looking back at it now, I think I ended up giving and conceding more than he ever did.
Married almost 7 years. Three of those years we lived in a pool house that was converted into an apartment. It was 1000 square feet, partial kitchen, bathroom only had a shower and a hot water heater that allowed 10 min of hot water and no heat/air in the bedroom. I made it work cause we were only living there temporarily. We were doing it to save money for a house. I refused to get pregnant because that place just wasn't made for a baby. Three years in we start looking for a house, well I start looking. He wants to buy his dad's place, where we are living in the apartment. I didn't want it. The place was 20 years a bachelor pad and it would have been me doing most of the work. We couldn't decide on anything in our price range, so I caved and we bought his dad's place.
You would think that would be okay. That we'd get the house and his dad would move out and all. That's not how it happened. Let me tell you something about his father. He is a lazy self entitled asshole. Refused to keep a job and would quit one for some of the stupidest reasons. He had a manager's job at an autoparts store. And he quit because they refused to give him a day off so he could go to a biker rally. He believed he deserved to act like a horny 18 year old because his life had been so hard before. This man was in his 50s, unemployed, refused to get a job and was trying to get on disability. And he lived off the 1000 bucks a month we gave him as a house payment. The 10k we gave him as a down payment he went and bought himself a motorcycle with. And where did he live? The apartment that we lived in for 3 years before.
When we swapped places. I made sure the apartment was spotless. We still were dealing with his shit in the house even when I left a couple weeks ago. We had to change the locks on the house because he would come in late at night and take things like the steak knives. I had to endure someone talking shit about me because I wasn't a stick skinny bimbo. And my now ex husband did nothing to defend me.
I was his wife, but I wasn't first. It was always his dad and his sister. His sister is a doll. Smart as a whip and working towards a doctorate in grad school. She will be okay and I'll always love her like the little sister she is to me. His dad, like I mentioned above was just a pain in the ass. He would make sure they were okay first, saying things like I won't abandon family. New flash, wife is family too. And you sure as hell abandoned me.
He is far from a real man. He is a coward. He would have served me divorce papers while he was out of the country if I hadn't gotten my passport in order. Real men face their problems, deal with them, and don't point blame away from them. Real men look at their own family, their wife and kids, and make sure they are okay. A real man would be faithful, and he was far from a real man.
Married almost 7 years. Three of those years we lived in a pool house that was converted into an apartment. It was 1000 square feet, partial kitchen, bathroom only had a shower and a hot water heater that allowed 10 min of hot water and no heat/air in the bedroom. I made it work cause we were only living there temporarily. We were doing it to save money for a house. I refused to get pregnant because that place just wasn't made for a baby. Three years in we start looking for a house, well I start looking. He wants to buy his dad's place, where we are living in the apartment. I didn't want it. The place was 20 years a bachelor pad and it would have been me doing most of the work. We couldn't decide on anything in our price range, so I caved and we bought his dad's place.
You would think that would be okay. That we'd get the house and his dad would move out and all. That's not how it happened. Let me tell you something about his father. He is a lazy self entitled asshole. Refused to keep a job and would quit one for some of the stupidest reasons. He had a manager's job at an autoparts store. And he quit because they refused to give him a day off so he could go to a biker rally. He believed he deserved to act like a horny 18 year old because his life had been so hard before. This man was in his 50s, unemployed, refused to get a job and was trying to get on disability. And he lived off the 1000 bucks a month we gave him as a house payment. The 10k we gave him as a down payment he went and bought himself a motorcycle with. And where did he live? The apartment that we lived in for 3 years before.
When we swapped places. I made sure the apartment was spotless. We still were dealing with his shit in the house even when I left a couple weeks ago. We had to change the locks on the house because he would come in late at night and take things like the steak knives. I had to endure someone talking shit about me because I wasn't a stick skinny bimbo. And my now ex husband did nothing to defend me.
I was his wife, but I wasn't first. It was always his dad and his sister. His sister is a doll. Smart as a whip and working towards a doctorate in grad school. She will be okay and I'll always love her like the little sister she is to me. His dad, like I mentioned above was just a pain in the ass. He would make sure they were okay first, saying things like I won't abandon family. New flash, wife is family too. And you sure as hell abandoned me.
He is far from a real man. He is a coward. He would have served me divorce papers while he was out of the country if I hadn't gotten my passport in order. Real men face their problems, deal with them, and don't point blame away from them. Real men look at their own family, their wife and kids, and make sure they are okay. A real man would be faithful, and he was far from a real man.
Sunday, September 10, 2017
Self Reflection Sunday
It has been a week since me and my husband parted ways, almost 2 weeks since my life started to fall apart. I will actually go into detail here, I hadn't wanted to in my initial post today.
Rewind to two weeks ago tomorrow. I got a strange message from someone I didn't know on Facebook. I didn't think anything of it. I just thought it was someone being creepy by telling me my husband was cheating on me and trying to pick up barflies at his favorite bar he went to on Fridays after he got off work. I showed it to him. When he got home that night, he looked me in the eye and told me it was true. I was in honest shock and in tears. He hadn't slept with anyone that I knew of, yet, but I was ready to work with him and figure out how to fix us. The most he was willing to give me was I am willing to try.
Fast forward to last Sunday. I wasn't feeling well after work. Honestly that whole week I had not been sleeping well. Who wouldn't sleep well when you find out the man you love had tried to cheat on you? He had went out, and in the time I had taken my nap, he had done it. He returned with a hickey on his neck that I didn't make, the teeth marks still red and fresh from it. That was when I was just done. I left. He did one of only two things that would make me just walk away from a relationship. The other would have been if he laid his hands on me in anger.
This week has been a whirlwind of trials and tribulations. Everything from making sure our finances were split from one another to me moving myself out of our home. There is still a few things left to do, but for the most part we are split. I won't lie, this shit hurts. It is like watching someone thrust their hand into your chest, rip your heart out and crush it to dust right before your eyes. I've cried more times than I want to talk about. He is being civil, which is good in the long run but right now it just hurts. I try to stay a little mad, because it wasn't me that was unfaithful. It was him. I am by no means a perfect person. I'll admit I'm messy, disorganized and scatterbrained. I'll own that. But I know deep down that I didn't deserve him being unfaithful.
The reason why I am not a blubbering mess, my parents and my friends. My parents have given me a place to stay while I get myself back on my feet. They are putting up with my mess of things and being trained by my sweet little Border Collie. I can never thank them enough. My friends have been there for me, let me ugly cry while they listened and offered support and kind words. I can never thank them enough.
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